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THE PLATINUM RULE
by Dr. Tony Alessandra, Ph.D.,
CSP, CPAE
Compatibility, or the lack of it, is
not such a mystery. Both rapport and tension are rather predictable,
once you know what to look for. Here's the basic principle: In social
situations, like behavioral styles attract. People with similar
interests and habits are drawn to one another as friends and
acquaintances. There's a sense of satisfaction in knowing you're among
people who prize what you prize, enjoy what you enjoy, play by roughly
the same rules as you do.
if you're a Relater or Thinker
(please see page 8 for style descriptions), you're a more structured
person who's not fond of surprises. Thus, you find stable, predictable
relationships more satisfying. You get your needs met by being around
those who won't embarrass you by, say, showing up in a magenta sportscoat, or asking deeply personal questions upon first meeting
you.
Or maybe you're a faster-paced, more
outgoing person, a Director or Socializer who thinks life's too short
to worry about whether your tires are properly inflated, or your socks
match your tie. Who the heck's going to know or care 100 years from
now, right?
THE BIG TEN -- AND HOW THEY PERFORM SOCIALLY
So what happens when these sometimes contradictory types get together?
Well, the four basic behavioral styles mix and match into ten
combinations. Behaviorial science research shows clearly which
combinations -- prior to use of The Platinum Rule -- mesh or clash
naturally. (Please see highlighted box for definition of The Platinum
Rule.)
For starters, people with similar
tendencies are most compatible with one another socially. That's
because those with common interests, habits, and approaches help
reinforce each others' self-esteem.
So it won't surprise you to learn
that the most naturally compatible combinations in social situations
are:
-- Thinker-Thinker
-- Relater-Relater
--
Socializer-Socializer
Where, you ask, are the Directors?
Well, they also tend to flock to one another -- at least for awhile.
But they possess such a strong competitiveness that even the
Director-Director relationship isn't quite as naturally harmonious as
the others.
That pairing does, however, show up
under the moderately compatible category:
--
Director-Director
-- Relater-Thinker
-- Director-Socializer
-- Socializer-Relater
Compatibility doesn't come quite as
naturally in these cases. But with effort, progress is possible and,
in fact, success in working with less compatible individuals can be an
esteem builder in each case.
Directors and Socializers share an
outward focus and often similar interests. Relaters and Thinkers, on
the other hand, are both inward-oriented and may like the same kinds
of activities.
Both Socializers and Relaters aspire
to be in a supportive relationship. Usually, though, it's the Relater
who's in the giving role and the Socializer who's the receiver.
Meanwhile, the fast-paced,
extroverted Directors and Socializers commonly find it hard to develop
rapport with the easygoing, quieter Relaters and Thinkers, who are
less decisive and enthusiastic. And the Relaters and Thinkers, in
turn, find the Directors less desirable because they're too pushy, too
loud, and often demand too much of them.
Therefore, of all ten combinations,
these three pairs are often the LEAST naturally compatible socially:
-- Director-Relater
-- Socializer-Thinker
-- Director-Thinker
To the Director, who just wants to
get things done, and to the Socializer, who just wants to have fun,
the cautious Thinker and steady Relaters can be drags. While Relaters
often resign themselves to tolerate the forwardness of Directors and
Socializers, the Thinker frequently just prefers to be alone.
What's more, even when relaxing, the
Thinker wants to do all things right. Whether it's just grilling hot
dogs, chatting about politics, or setting up the croquet wickets, the
Thinker sets standards and judges himself and others by how they meet
them. The Thinker, in the eyes of the Director or Socializer, is not
living as much as he is just serving time. By and large, never the
twain shall meet -- at least unless and until The Platinum Rule is
practiced.
On the positive side, though, there
is a fascination factor in these three pairings, and bridges can be
built. Given positive energy, the natural differences can fuel
attraction, particularly when one style sees what it can learn from
another. A Director, for example, may see how he can become more
patient and responsive to others by taking a cue from a Relater. A
Relater, meanwhile, may be able to draw on the Director's strengths
for taking charge and accepting risk.
Similarly, a sensitive Socializer can
see how she can learn discretion from the Thinker, and the Thinker
perceives that she can become more relaxed and sociable by being
around the Socializer.
Perhaps the most difficult hurdles
socially are posed by the Director-Thinker relationship. For it to
work, both must yield their personal control needs, with the Director
deciding to give the type of space the Thinker needs, and the Thinker
learning to be much more direct and open about his concerns with the
Director.
IT'S DIFFERENT TASK-WISE
When it comes to tasks -- whether it's doing a project at work,
purchasing a family car, or just balancing the checkbook -- the
dynamics differ dramatically. Here, the ‘likes' who are drawn to one
another socially don't necessarily attract as much as they compete or
even conflict.
Now their similarities can get in the
way because they have the same needs. After all, to complete a task,
one must have resources, rewards, time, space, and attention. But
there's only so much of those to go around.
So when those needs aren't met,
tension and conflict can result. When one partner feels a need to
‘win,' for instance, the other one may sense he or she's been
shortchanged. The frequent outcome: resentment.
But, before getting into which pairs
clash, let's look at the most naturally compatible combinations
taskwise:
-- Thinker-Relater
-- Director-Relater
-- Socializer-Relater
See a pattern here? You bet! The
Relater gets along with everybody in a task situation. He or she's the
universal antidote for disharmony. It's the Relaters' most distinctive
trait. They're supportive workers who exert a calming, stabilizing
influence. Naturally interested in others and in making a
contribution, they enjoy being productive partners. No wonder they're
everybody's favorite.
The moderately compatible
combinations, as far as working on tasks together, are:
-- Thinker-Thinker
-- Relater-Relater
-- Socializer-Thinker
Thinkers loom large in this second
grouping. While not as easygoing as Relaters, they are sensitive to
others' feelings and have a passion for excellence that others usually
recognize.
Interestingly, Thinkers figure in
many of the least compatible combinations socially, but among the
highest in tasks. This suggests that others appreciate the quality and
thoroughness of their work, even if the Thinkers aren't always viewed
as being a lot of laughs.
Last come those combinations that are
least compatible because they tend to see one another as competitors:
--
Director-Director
-- Director-Thinker
-- Director-Socializer
--
Socializer-Socializer
Director-Director combinations work
fairly well socially but when it comes to tasks, a Director's
competitive nature and need for control can stymie cooperation,
especially with like-minded Directors.
As for the Director-Thinker, there's
a fundamental clash in the Director's need for speed and control
versus the Thinker's penchant for being slower paced and systematic.
Notice that while the
Socializer-Socializer pair was ranked as among the most socially
compatible, now they are likely to be the least productive as far as
working together on tasks. That's because neither is motivated to deal
with task details.
Similarly, Directors and Socializers
also have moderately high social rapport but plummet to the lowest
rungs of compatibility when tasks are involved. That's because they
both tend to want to delegate.
But don't give up
yet on those whose personal style may not be a perfect fit with the
situation. With some effort at understanding and applying The Platinum
Rule, you can adapt your compatibility so that you can work
successfully with anyone.
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